guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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