I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
