i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
