Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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