sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
