he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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