there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
