Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You pole danced in your parka.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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