I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
