The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hippo gnu deer
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
