i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
