final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
