He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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