The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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