do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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