You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
