Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
