I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
