i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
