dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
