I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
