That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
