I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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