he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i will never coherently bang her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
