Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
