meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i believe in u and ur pee
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