I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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