I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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