I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
