No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ugly people sure do ruin things
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
