I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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