i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
