3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
