my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
