So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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