I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
