So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
