I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
