he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
