Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
