I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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