Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Drake has all the answers
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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