I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
