Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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