well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
