he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
