Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
