Ketchup is God's man juice
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
