Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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