i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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