The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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